Recycling Revisited

“Nigel, Nigel could you come through here for a moment?”

“Good evening Convener you’re working late again.  Is there a problem?”

“Oh it’s my blog again Nigel – I’ve got nothing to say”

“Nothing to say Convener?  Why these have been two of the most momentous weeks of your, admittedly short, career - what with the by-election and everything.”

“Oh I know – but everyone’s heard the result so if I go on about it they’ll just think I’m being smug.  And you know what they say… pride comes before a fall.”

“Yes Convener, but surely the administration is a little more secure now that you’ve got another Independent member.”

“Oh well, perhaps the situation is not so perilous as it was before.  But there can’t be any room for complacency.  We’ll just have to work away and try to get this job done.  But that’s not the point – I need something to put in my blog again.”

“But Convener, you’ve now got plenty scope for political point scoring.”

“No, no Nigel.  This is neither the time nor the place.  If the shoe had been on the other foot I wouldn’t want to be seen to be complaining so I’m not going to crow about it now.  I’ll just have to speak about something else.  What is there that is non-controversial?”

“Yes, well that’s a good question because there’s not much on the agenda at the moment that fits that category - what with the western link road and the budget cuts and all that.  Perhaps the safest bet is the wheelie bins.

“Wheelie bins? What’s new about wheelie bins?”

“Well, you’ll remember that last year we introduced new recycling facilities for our rural residents.  So this month we’re starting to introduce the same facilities in our urban communities.”

“In the towns?”

“Yes Convener in the…. em  er ….towns”

“So what’s the difference then?”

“Well the main differences are that we are going to be collecting plastic waste in separate bins and the recycling collections will take place every fortnight rather than weekly at present.”

“Here – wait a minute.  My recycling boxes are damned near full at the end of a week.  I’ll be in a right mess come a fortnight.”

“Yes Convener but to overcome that, we’re going to issue more bins.  As well as your usual green and brown bins you’ll have a bin for paper and cardboard, another one for plastic and cans and you’ll continue to use your present orange box for glass.  So you should have more than enough room.”

“Have you seen the amount of bottles I put out in a fortnight ?  The beer drinkers of Moray will be up in arms!!”

“Well Convener, perhaps it might dissuade them, and you, from over imbibing.  In any case, I sometimes think that politicians and alcohol don’t mix very well.  Look what happened to the MP for Falkirk, Mr Joyce.”

“Oh yes – that was awful, wasn’t it?  He’s a bit of a lad is Eric. Can’t seem to stay out of bother.  But you know what really surprised me?”

“No, what was that Convener?”

“He was in the House of Commons - in a Sports Bar !”

“Yes, well there are over 600 MP’s. I suppose they need somewhere to relax every now and then.”

“Yes – but that’s not the point.  I thought that they would have a bit more class than to have “Sports Bars”.  And do you know what they were doing?”

No what was that Convener?

“They were having a Karaoke night.  That’s not what you would expect from MP’s.  That’s more the kind of thing that you’d expect to find in the Ploo on a Saturday night.  I thought  that MP’s would have something a bit more sophisticated.  You know – perhaps a small string quartet in the corner.  I didn’t’ expect them to be murdering Status Quo or belting out “My Way”.  That’s just destroyed the picture I had of them all sitting there, with a bit o gravitas, listening to Bach or Shubert.”

“But Convener, everyone is entitled to a bit of relaxation.”

“I know Nigel, but this is the House o’ Commons.  What will they be doing next - playing bingo?  You can just imagine the Speaker calling the bingo numbers – Chancellors House - number 11, Davie’s Den - number 10,  all the Greens - number 1.  It just doesn’t bear thinking about!”

“Convener you’re ranting again.  You’d better get back to the topic - the plans for rolling out the wheelie bins?”

“Oh that’s a good one Nigel!  Rolling out the wheelie bins - but I keep telling you - I do the funnies in here!  So what’s the story?”

“Well the first phase of the roll… I mean the project commenced on Friday 15^th March when the new bins were issued to householders in Alves and we’ll continue throughout Moray so that, hopefully, all our households will be using the new system by Friday 3^rd May.

“So if anyone has any questions, where should they go?”

“Well Convener every affected household will receive a leaflet before their bins arrive, and another delivered with their bins, which explain exactly what is going to happen.  However if they have any further questions they can visit the Council’s website at www.moray.gov.uk or telephone our Waste Hotline on 01343 557045.”

“So come 3^rd May it’ll all be sorted?”

“Absolutely Convener - in every sense of the word!!!”

If you need any advice or assistance with any aspect of the Council’s recycling programme, please visit the website link above or contact 01343 557045.

Economy Drive

“Morning Convener, what on earth are you doing under your desk?”

“Oh, how are you Nigel?  I’m just having a good rake about.  I know I had a lottery ticket lying about somewhere and I can’t find it.  It might have fallen on the floor under my desk”

“Is it a winner Convener?”

“I’ve no blooming idea Nigel – but I’ve got to find it because there’s only eight hours to go!”

“Eight hours to go?  To go to what Convener”

“Eight hours to go until I can’t make a claim on it.  Did you not hear the news?  There’s a jackpot ticket worth £64 million out there somewhere and if it’s not claimed by eleven o’clock tonight - then it’s ‘tatties o’er the side’”**

“Tatties? Convener”

“Yes, tatties – you know - po-tat-oes, pommes de terre.  And, if that ticket’s not found before eleven o’clock, then the ‘pommes de terre’ will be right ‘dans la mer’.”

“Oh, whatever you say Convener, but what makes you think that you’ve won it?”

“I don’t know Nigel, but I’ve got a feeling’ in my waters that something good is coming’ our way.  Last week I won a raffle at the Sports Moray Awards and twice this week I found 20p in the coffee machine.  Things are definitely looking up!!

“But Convener, the missing lottery ticket was sold in Hertfordshire six months ago – how on earth could you be the winner?”

“That’s as maybe, but I’m not taking any chances.  With a hole in the budget like we’re going to have, £64 million is worth scrabbling about on the floor for.”

“Convener – I fear you’re going to have to be more realistic and look at other ways of saving money.  I see you have a meeting tomorrow in Edinburgh – have you ever thought about Video Conferencing?”

“Video – what?”

“Video Conferencing, Convener.  It’s a way of attending a conference without actually being there.”

“Waait a minute.  Attending without being there?  Are you having me on?  I’ve been at plenty meetings with folk that are ‘not all there’ but at least their bums were on the seats!  How can I be there and not be there?”

“Well, you’re image will be there and the other members of the committee will see and hear you because you’ll be connected to the meeting through a video link.”

“What, like the telly?”

“Yes Convener, although you’ll actually appear in a box on a large screen along with other members who are Video Conferencing”

“Oh!  I see – like Celebrity Squares.  Does Terry Wogan run it?”

“No Convener, this has nothing to do with game shows or Terry Wogan.  It’s simply a way of saving time and money”

“Well I’m all for that.  Sign me up – Scotty.  Just one thing though.”

“What’s that Convener”

“I want to be in the top row!”

“I’ll do my best Convener, now what about some other savings.  Christmas cards for instance”

“Oh don’t mention Christmas Nigel!  I’m doing my best to ignore it, but it’s right on top of us now.  I even got one of those Christmas cards where they give you the whole story of their life over the past twelve months.”

“Oh yes Convener – a Round Robin”

“Yes, whatever!  But the one I got doesn’t bob along!  It’s from some woman boasting about Lucinda winning the gymkhana and Torquil ‘finding himself’ in Kathmandu.  What’s that got to do with me?”

“Yes, well these annual updates do tend to guild the lily somewhat.  But you could do something similar in your Blog – you know, a short, to-the-point, resumé of your first 6 months in the Convener’s chair”

“Get away with you!.  You’d be better getting Roddy Burns to do that – he’s short and to the point!  Look, there’s not been much o’ a festive feel about the last 6 months and I don’t want to put the dampers on what’s left.  Maybe I’ll leave that to the New Year” 

“So no official Christmas cards this year then?”

“No, Nigel – this is another belt-tightening opportunity.  Have you seen the price of stamps?  50 pence for second class!  It’s a liberty. 50 pence is ten shillings.  When I was at College I could have a first-class dinner and a good night out for ten shillings - and now all I can do is send a begging letter!  My granny could……”

“Please Convener – If you’re going to bring up your granny again I feel it’s time to leave.  But before I go - remember those 20p’s you found in the Coffee machine?”

“Yes -  oh, don’t tell me they were yours!”

“No Convener – I believe they were your change!!”

“@@()*^&!!”

 **    Tatties o’er the side:-          A Doric colloquialism inferring that a stage has been reached when there is no turning back from a course of action.  Believed to have arisen from the practice of jettisoning vegetables from fishing boats when a decision has been made to return to port.  The subsequent absence of provisions prevented further prevarication on the matter.  See also “Ba’s on the slates”



"Celebrity" Squares